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my story

 

Hello again,

I guess I should tell you more about myself. My son and daughter in law have given me two bright and curious grandchildren. However, as a grandmother who was finally able to attain a Bachelor of Education in my forties and almost a minor in Applied Social Science, my serious interest,  I look around and see how little attention is paid to the psychological, the social, and philosophical aspects of our lives and how many problems ensue.

For example, my parents were very dedicated and loving parent and afforded us a comfortable lifestyle. However, when they told my sister and I (another sister was born 8 years later) that we could always come to them with our problems.  I took them seriously (around 10 years old) and told them of my frustration and resentment at their bias toward my sister. She had very fast, deft hand-eye coordination and mine was slow and awkward. Well, I guess they had not anticipated that they own behaviour would pose a problem because they told me I was wrong. Looking back I can understand why they would not want to recognize my feelings and perceptions. They were hell-bent on being the best parents little girls could ever want and worked very hard at this. Looking back it seems as If, in telling me I was wrong, they were throwing away my trust.  It was the start of not being ‘a good fit’ with my own family – a relationship which my sisters would continue, with social and relation bullying behaviours described in Barbara Coloroso’s book,, ‘The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander’, for almost all our adult years. One sister got her teaching certificate; the other, a master’s degree then a Ph.D. They both consider themselves liberal/ democrats but it looks like they never considered the personal meaning of democracy (That I have a right to be heard)

Whenever I tried to stand up to them, yes, sometimes, in anger (never threatening, cursing or even name-calling). They would dismiss my effort as venting. They each even came to see a psychologist (grudgingly, two different times). Those psychologists just didn’t get that I was trying to stand up for myself in a civil way so they each let me down. Last year I wrote a very civil letter to one sister in which I explained that psychologist describe her behaviour as bullying. A few weeks later her daughter-in-law told me that if I want to continue to be a member of their family I have to retract that and apologize. I did apologize in a way that did not retract the accusation. Today we are friendly but only see each other when necessary.

But wait, there is good news.  Instead of becoming chronically depressed or turning to drugs or alcohol, I walked, read, wrote, and studied. I was able to get my college diploma, then my B.A. in education with almost a minor in APSS (social psychology – my serious interest. At one point, about 30 years ago, family relations had become so difficult the few times we all did get together, that I thought about estrangement.  However, that was unthinkable because,, despite their treatment towards me) I loved them dearly and I was interested in developing inner strength. So I vowed to treat them with courtesy and kindness and considerably lowered my expectations of being treated humanely.

Well, folks, that’s the nutshell version of my story. Here I am, writing about my story in case anybody else is interested. I can tell you what has helped me –My friends, children, good genes and the otherwise good role modelling of my parents, walking, writing, counsellors, running, classical stretch, and yoga. As well, the professors and classes at college and University all helped me to become the person I am today – a good role model for my son and his family.

 

 

Reasons for education yourself about bullying

Hello, while I was writing the above blog these reasons for education oneself about social and relational bullying (snobbery) came to me for educating yourselves, especially university students and graduates.

Read Barbara’s book, The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander.

 

Reasons to educate yourself about relational and social bullying

[Where do you think children learn these behaviours?]

 

Relational bullying –the systematic diminishment of a bullied [child’s] sense of self through Ignoring, isolating, excluding, or shunning ~~~~ it can involve subtle gestures such as aggressive

Stares, rolling of eyes, sighs, frowns, snickers, and hostile body language.- pg 17, The Bully, The (Coloroso, 2002,2006)Bullied, and The Bystander

social bullying uses rumor, gossip, verbal taunts, and shunning to systematically isolate her selected targets and effectively exclude them from activities Pg. 18

Barbara Coloroso:  The Bully, The Bullied, and the Bystander: Harper Collins Publishers, Toronto, Canada, 2002, 2006

 

 

  1. These behaviours have been known to lead to depression, addiction to alcohol or drugs or even eventual suicide. Isn’t higher education supposed to improve societal conditions instead to worsening them with oppression? Oppression is the opposite of democracy.
  2. You don’t want your emotional side to highjack your rational side if you can prevent it.
  3. If you are in medicine you take an oath to do no harm: Traditionally, I think doctors have only been held to that oath with regard to their patients? Shouldn’t this oath extend to relatives, friends, colleagues and others? Shouldn’t Graduates in other disciplines be held to a similar code of ethics?
  4. Bullying is too easy: no challenge for your fine mind.

5 We live in a democracy where everybody has rights and bullies do not respect others’ rights In our society casual judgment and the ensuing behaviours of relational and social bullying seem to be the norm.

  1. Bullying is rooted in inferior complex: the opposite of emotional maturity
  2. You won’t have to deal with revenge, sabotage or retaliation behaviour or be the butt of people’s jokes
  3. You’ll have fewer relational problems.
  4. You want to develop your emotional IQ because that is a much more interesting and beneficial challenge. – The resources are right there at your fingertips and on campus. And you will find the time because you deserve the life you want.

 

You do not have permission to do that, for the following reason:

You are not allowed to execute the action you have requested.

 

 

Does trump’s behaviour mirror our own?

a grandmother asks if Trump’s behaviour is mirroring our own and poses some questions for consideration

What is a democrat who judges her sibling to be a loser, (with all the snobbish behaviour that ensues) without ever having willingly, with an open mind, listened to her sibling’s side?

A closet republican   or

Just like Trump

Maybe Trump is mirroring the behaviour of most North Americans; backhandedly showing us how important character and values really are:

Even in Quebec one of Videotron’s stores has a French only welcome to register at the entrance.  When I commented on this the clerk told me that this is Quebec. They ignore the fact that Quebec is still a province of Canada which is bilingual:

Just like Trump who ignores inconvenient facts.

According to Socrates concern with definitions is the beginning of wisdom. Thus we need to review the basic concepts of our lives, like love, emotional IQ (moral maturity), self-esteem and judgement. For example, what is the difference between judging a person and assessing behaviour?

We need to understand the concept of standing up for oneself. Are we upset or angry when we feel the need to stand up for ourselves? What is the difference between complaining, criticizing, and standing up for oneself? Do bullies and snobs call the effort complaining or criticizing because it blocks getting their own way or getting away with disrespectful behaviour? Do bullies subvert democracy by not respecting the rights of their victims (like Trump taking away the much needed Obamacare health plan of many of the very people who voted for him?)

What is the difference between judging someone and assessing their behaviour?

Barbara Coloroso has expanded the definition of bullies to include verbal, and relational bullying (snobbery).verbal bullying includes name-calling, taunting, belittling, cruel criticism, personal defamation, racist slurs, and sexually suggestive or abusive remarks as well as extortion, untruthful accusations and the other obvious abuses. Relational bullying includes shunning, aggressive stares, eye rolling and other hostile body language.  (see The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, page 15-170 Collins, 2002, 2006).  So what is the difference between a person who ‘gets things done’ and a bully?

In my experience children learn bullying from watching their adult relatives and friends; they do not just wake up and start  behaving in these ways.

What is the difference between a snob and a person with high standards?

What kind of children do bullies and snobs raise?

Bullying is easy: no challenge for a fine mind. It takes time and patience to learn how to manage or coach others without damaging self-esteem. The knowledge is there people. You can either read a book, take a workshop or course or seek counselling.

To those of you who claim to have high standards, remember that empathy is the highest standard.

How would you want to be treated if you were the other?

Do you pay lip service to your high standards in family values whereas the dysfunctional rule ‘put up and shut up’ controls the family?

Do you want your behaviour to cause alienation, depression, addiction, or suicide?

Let’s let Trump’s behaviour be our wake-up call for changing our own behaviour!